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Marriage Counselling: A review of Real Marriage
The following was published in the February edition of The Treasury.
Mark Driscoll may have passed you by but for young Christians he is big news. Flick through the downloads on your nephew’s iPhone and you’ll likely find a podcast from Mars Hill Seattle, Driscoll’s 7000+ member ‘mega church’. Access his video app and you may find a brilliantly produced recording of one Driscoll’s sermons complete with intro movie, set design and widescreen TV projecting sermon headings.
Driscoll has long been de riguer among hip young Christians but he is becoming more well known outside that clique; he has written in the Washington Post and been invited on to various American chat shows. His preaching style is described by the NY Times as,
“having one hand jammed in his jeans pocket while the other waves his Bible. Even the skeptical viewer must admit that whatever Driscoll’s opinion[s]… he has the coolest style and foulest mouth of any preacher you’ve ever seen.”
Real Marriage is Driscoll’s 15th book and is arguably his most personal. It’s written with his wife Grace and, going by the publicity shots, this rugged pastor and his glamourous wife seem to have marriage sussed. In fact this searingly honest book quickly reveals that for a long time that was not the case. Early on we find out that the first ten years of marriage were hard in the Driscoll house with the couple almost entirely at odds with one another. There was a long period of confusion wherein the couple loved each other almost in spite of themselves. They were incapable of connecting with one another or expressing their love effectively. Real Marriage is undoubtedly a product of long periods of personal reflection and gives the reader a sense that these people know what they’re talking about. The mistakes that were made and the subsequent lessons learnt are shared to help others develop real marriages and there is lots to be gained from reading it.
Chapter TenGate
It’s a shame then, that the reviews so far have been almost entirely focused on Chapter Ten. Entitled “Can we___?” the chapter tries to answer questions couples might have about sex. It begins,
If you are older, from a highly conservative religious background, live far away from a major city, do not spend much time on the internet, or do not have cable television, the odds are that you will want to read this chapter while sitting down, with the medics ready on speed dial.
If you are one of those people who do not know that the world has changed sexually, read this chapter not to argue or fight, but rather to learn about how to be a good missionary in this sexualized culture, able to answer people’s questions without blushing.
My guess is that what follows would leave some readers of the Treasury bug eyed. The advice on what is sexually permissible is frank and hangs on a reading of 1 Corinthians 6:12 “All things are lawful for me, but not all things are profitable. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be mastered by anything.”
Some Christians have questioned how accurately the Driscoll’s have used this passage while others have questioned the explicitness of their approach. As the Driscoll’s themselves say, it is for each reader to work through these matters with God and their spouse. What I would say is that the controversy over that chapter is a shame because it detracts from the far more important thrust of the book which is the Driscoll’s emphasis on friendship in marriage.
For the Driscoll’s, sexual expression is important but friendship is the key. They complain that having read hundreds of books on marriage, friendship seems never to be addressed. Assuming that the parties in a marriage are both Christians and therefore familiar with God’s Grace, the key to Real Marriage is friendship.
Real Marriage vs Really Bad Marriage
At the beginning of the book the Driscoll’s compare and contrast two marriages by focusing on the friendship within.
“John Wesley had poured his life into his ministry of Methodism. But in February 1751 things changed when, at the age of forty eight, the never-married John Wesley was crossing London Bridge when he slipped on ice and broke his ankle. He was then taken into the home of forty one year old Molly Vazeille, a wealthy widow with four children. Without even a passing mention in his journal, the two were married eight days later. Some biographers have since referred to their ensuing marriage as the “thirty years war.”
Wesley refused to behave differently as a married man to the way he did when single. He travelled extensively despite the effect it had on Molly’s health and her begging him to stop. Once, when hearing she was close to death Wesley came home for an hour and at 2am, when the fever lifted, left the house again. She took to sabotaging his ministry, writing letters to the press and even accusing him of adultery; he admitted in a letter to what appears to have been physical abuse saying,
“[I] might have made you black and blue. I bless God, that I did not do this fifty times and that I did nothing worse. I might have given you an unlucky blow.”
His final words to her, written in a letter express the bitterness into which the marriage descended,
“As it is doubtful, considering your age and mine, whether we may meet again anymore in this world, I think it right to tell you my mind once for all without either anger or bitterness… If you were to live a thousand years, you could not undo the mischief that you have done. And till you have done all you can towards it, I bid you farewell.”
Molly died a week later, John did not even know until some time after the funeral. Their bodies are buried apart from one another.
Contrast that sad tale with Martin and Katherine Luther.
Martin and Katherine married in spite of themselves. She was an ex nun, he was profoundly opposed to the idea of ever marrying. When they eventually married,
“One reason Martin gave for his marriage was to spite the devil, which is perhaps the least romantic statement ever uttered… What is most curious is that the marriage did not start with love or attraction… but rather with a commitment to the principles of the Bible and service to God. […] Certainly they were not romantically in love, and there is no evidence that any kind of courtship preceded their marriage.”
And yet the description of their marital home is a thrilling one. As parents they were loving and fun; as homemakers they were generous in hospitality. When Katie moved into Martin’s home she,
“quickly went to work cleaning the bachelor pad, throwing out the straw bed Luther had not changed in more than a year, decorating the home, planting a garden for fresh food, changing Martin’s diet to nurse him to health and help overcome his legendary flatulence problem, and growing herbs. […] Their home was constantly filled, and as many as twenty-five people lived with them at any one time…dinners there often fed more than one hundred people.”
Considering the unromantic beginnings, such an unconventional home could have put strain on the relationship and yet, by way of jokes and a willingness to dish out brutal honesty at one the other’s expense they fostered a genuine friendship. He called her ‘Lord Katie’ and ‘his dear rib’ and wrote of how he was “a happy husband”. Ultimately he described her as a great gift of grace.
For the Driscoll’s both Wesley and Luther were saved by Grace. What made one marriage prosper while the other withered was the friendship within. Both required sacrifice to produce it, only one couple were willing to make it.
Friend with Benefits
Forget anything in Chapter Ten or the explicit exegesis of Song of Solomon the most shocking moment in Real Marriage comes with the declaration that, if a spouse has a best friend outside marriage, he is committing emotional adultery.
The Driscoll’s theology of marriage prospers when spouses invest everything in the other person and become dependent on them emotionally, financially, sexually and spiritually. Women are called on unashamedly to be a helper to their husband. To affirm him, support him and enjoy him. Men, don’t get off lightly either. Mark gives it to us with both barrels. No sissy stuff Sam, who refuses to show emotion to his wife (other than anger and intimidation); Little Boy Larry who will not grow up and get a job and so depends on his wife to provide; Sturdy Oak Owen who keeps himself to himself; these are all caricatured and then condemned as bad models for husbands. In fact the supreme example is Jesus, a tough yet tender real man who, though he never married, models the man who loves a woman perfectly.
In the end, whether you like Real Marriage will depend on whether you like Mark Driscoll. Fast paced, frank and funny, I would recommend it highly if only because it is written with the firm intention of encouraging married Christians to turn their focus away from the distractions of the world and to focus again on the object of their affection.
